Deviant Paths- Strain Theory

might have been the song,
might have been the drama.
brought me to this talk of my love story.
~ before that, can somebody please stop all these air pollution!!!
ok, done. ~
ehem ehem.
What love story? haha.
I dun have any right now.
Other than the past the past the past.

But what is this state of confusion i'm in?
To have already found someone who matches with what i've been looking for,
and not be confident of falling in love;
To have met someone who goes haywire all over, so unsure yet always there,
and feeling like i could fall in love anytime..
Yet and Therefore i am impossibly in love with none.
haha.

Yeah it is not compulsory to fall in love.
I'm just afraid that this is for real, forever.
I have labeled IT as unnecessary and i'm only 18!
I'm not hopeful, not feeling the sparks,
or if i feel the sparks, its at the wrong places..
I'm just so confused.
In the end i know things are meant to be exactly as it is.
But what if i choose to defy?
What if i want someone to make me feel more alive?

Alot of people are complaining about how life is unfair.
Or how stagnant life is. [ok i'm in this category sometimes]
Or wadeva it is that is negative about life.
life tu nikmat seh.
Anugerah. learn to be thankful.

My life is great. The people i communicate with are great.
BUt me?
I'm not.
I'm forever stuck in many many dimensions, many many time frames.
i KEEP QUESTIONING THE CONSEQUENCES OF EVERYTHING i should or should not do/think/say.
Moral Dilemma.
For everything.

It doesnt help to be reminded i'm paranoid lah, whiny lah, low self-esteem lah.
That's not the problem you dumbdumb.
its MORAL DILEMMA.
Because i grew up in this stinking society that has norms which are really silly, i'm under constant pressure to conform to their style and expectations and whatnot. Even when it comes to how i'm supposed to feel because of certain events.
BUT I ACTUALLY DO NOT FEEL LIKE FEELING LIKE HOW I AM SUPPOSED TO!!!!
or behaving for that matter.

URGH. gosh I'm a hater. HAHA.
But i'm very positive about life too.
About me.
About the things and people around me.
I'm positive.
I have faith and I'm freaking happy.

I'm not putting fronts ok.
When I'm confused i let people know i'm confused at the time.
When i'm sad, i frown or talk in a different tone of voice or whatever.
When i'm angry, i either talk it out or give a finger or frown or whatever.
I'd hate it if people go thinking, "oh, she's putting a tough front. deep down she got shitloads of problems." I'm tough and i do have shitloads of problems. I dun have to put a front. I'm not afraid to show my emotional weakness like you damnit!
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M NOT CRYING OR BLOWING TOPS??
BECAUSE I DUN FEEL LIKE IT!!!

its just sad to see the extend people go through to cover up what's obvious.

Let's all pick our own crap and clean ourlseves from these bad vibes.
OHM.
BE POSITIVE!

I dun like it how stuck we human beings are,
stuck in our pasts,
going to the what should have beens, what could have beens.
ANd i just cant run away from it.
Its a little of me actually and alot from these people i meet.

--------

i bet by now you're more confused about thing than i am.
up there^ its just 1/10000000000000 thoughts that are running inside my system every single minute. just a let-->out.


final say though: we are allowed to be different. especially me.


i've always dreamt of this coversation..
"are you racist?"
"yes i am."
"against wad group of people?"
"against ex-girlfriends."

sunshine says good night.