A moment of folly, a lifetime of regret..

I never would have thought that i would be forced into submission to compromise my principles of life and morals.
unfortunately it did.
And i'm more upset than i would have expected.
why would your friends make you comply to their rules?
The worst was when i did it without free will or even the slightest sinful pleasure.
I hated it.
When your friends say sorry,
yeah you will forgive them.
But what they dont understand is that i cannot forgive myself.
for putting my trust into people who will betray me,
for doing something that doesnt bring benefit to me in anyway,
for not being more strong,
for not leaving when i could,
for being stupid.

but i learnt alot just overnight.
i just wish for once in my fucking life,
things stop getting so fucking messed up.
and i fucking wish it didnt happen in the first place.
i will erase my embarassment and disappointment of yesterday.
right.

Menghisap sesuatu yang memabukkan itu hukumnya yang haram.
Dan menghisap shisha itu hukumnya makruh,
selagi tidak manghayalkan.

i sometimes forget that anger is not just an adjective to describe your emotions,
it is practically alive,
when dead, you can give it cpr,
and it consumes you like i consume Mega Mac.
i thank god for helping me get back to my senses.

just now i felt like my tears could not wait to get out from the tears ducts,
being suppressed for far too long and too deep.
and it was because of that stupid anger that almost make me forget.

at the same time you sometimes wonder why everything's so difficult.
yeah i know why.
but i mean "WHY?"
i wish that my friend stop waiting for me to take initiative to call or sms everytime.
i wish that my teacher would stop undermining my every duty and my leadership.
i wish my teachers trust me instead of questioning me.
i wish that i can say no to a friend without hurting her feelings.
i wish that when i tell my family of the good news they react the way i want them to, just not like this.
i wish that school starts later then 2pm everyday.
but wishes dun always come true.
still no matter what,
to my primary school-till poly sweetheart,
thanks.
oh and thanks for understanding my phone problem :):)
SHIMI SHIMI SHIMI.

it gets tougher and tougher.
like sometimes i wish the surprise stop popping everyday.

love
Sunshine

Bread and Love

Good Morning.
i am watching the hills as the time ticks by indicating my compulsory need to get to school. urgh. people!!! give me the afternoon classes.
i was having breakfast at five forty,
and it made me realise how much my parents really really loved me.
and my sisters.
and each other.
and i feel so blessed.

thats all.
hahahahaha.

love,
Sunshine

i have splurged more than hundred dollars on books and I'm only half guilty about it.
i regret the loss and celebrate the gain.
pretty much the same way towards my life.
I'm pretty sure after "all THAT" my life's keeping pace and getting straighter.
i want to one day say that my life is now so straight i know its not gay.
or something like that.
what my life is, however, I not necessarily am.
I've been putting on more pounds in a minute than i did during the last great depression. [my darling husband sweetly reminded me of this. hehe.]
i haven't been exercising. [this i blame planet for being absent.]
i have been late alot of times. [i just dun want to wake up, i just dun want to be in school]
but I'm positive that I'm getting better at life, at living.
in a very weird way.
I'm doing my work. i have started to boss people around. [OK maybe this is not work for other people. but bossing around IS my job. nicer term, leading people] i did research for my schoolwork and try to prepare as much as possible for my ppt and such. i have cleaned my bed at the very least. i have started to read again. [its been two months! yeah i know. i just lost it for a moment...]
it starts somewhere.
a great start starts somewhere.
and i am hoping it starts with me.
it started with the fight i had with my most impt girl planet.
it pushed me so far the edge that night i could no longer balance and i decided to take that jump.
i always loved the thrill.
i have decided that what counts now is my own rule.
i'm not going to live a good life just so my nephew or sisters or whoever the fuck would look up to me.
because in the end, the truth is no one really fucking does.
i'm not sour about it, just realistic.
and i have decided that i shall do whatever i want whenever i want.
BUT i'm gonna set my principles and not mess it up.
and its still sticks to
"no drugs, no smoking, no sex, no looking down on someone."
because i have been arrogant.
arrogant.
arrogant.
i'm sick of myself.
that was then and probably.. still is right now.
but i'm giving myself space to grow.

just because i'm naturally evil,
YOU LOUSY FUCKFACE. WISH I DIDN'T MEET YOU!!

love.

Grey-Day Thurs-day

i am in class.
today is a grey day for farah and me and fong.
but tomorrow we'll have fun.
i promise.
:)


and shimi,
the world gets weirder for us.

love,
Sunshine.

Tribute

My one minute tribute.
----------------------------------------------------------

ya ok whatever.


anyhoo life's good for the moment.
haha.
"from this moment..."
haha.
i have to extend my thanks to fong for being really patient these few days.
because i erupt once in awhile for no apparent reason.
girls its time to party!!!
when i have the time...

OH I TANNED!
haha.
fong and farah was like
"oh you did?"
hahaha.
wah!


i fear that i lost myself,
i'm still searching for what i truly am.
the events that happened to me this year was really
an eye-opener.
the lies, the pushing over, the passing of loved ones,
the 99 questions, the stress, the loss, the fights,
the tension, the crisis....
sometimes i look at myself and hate what i'm seeing.
sometimes i just feel fabulous.
i feel weird that only at eighteen i decide
i need to find my identity of self.
but i guess i gotta start somewhere.
you motherfuckers who like to lie should too.

having said that,
i want to fall in love tonight.
MUACKS MUACKS MUACKS





Lyrics:


Verse 1
From this moment, life has begun
From this moment, you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on


Verse 2
From this moment, I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love, I'd give my last breath
From this moment on


Chorus 1
I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you


Verse 3
From this moment, as long I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on


Chorus 2
You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you
(pause)


Verse 4
From this moment, as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on



----------
love,
Sunshine

Die Another Day

Its when you see the tide rising,
rising so high,
and you see the distance you have to run,
run to save yourself,
you feel like giving up and out of breath,
not out of fear but exhaustion,
you can feel what is to come,
do you give up?
I used to believe that facing your fears and ever-lasting troubles could finally set you free,
but sometimes,
when that tsunami come,
do you turn to face it or run for cover?

its bad to lose your mind,
lose control,
and lose your breath
but
Sunshine don't lose yourself.


"i owe you an unpleasant death Mr bond."
hehe.

If love was the river, i'd be blue.

today all i wanna do is fall in love again and again and again.
but nil love for now.

------


starbucks with weng fong today never felt so good.
we were really at the edge so she went like
"starbucks girl?"
surprisingly we ended up talking about happy family times instead of thinking of our problems.
it was really nice.

its really tough.
but we'll pull through.

Its a WASSUP?! Monday

aiyaiyaiyaiyai.

i still havent got over you after all this while.
what an ache.
now the "what if"s play around my mind making me feel all shitty again.
its always too late.
for myself.
i'm glad i wasnt the one who had to face you.
why do you always linger around in my heart?
you overstayed dont you think?

i still.......

haiz.

2pm

hello baby.
today is monday.
[.....]
AHAHAHA. ok basically it just means its the official start of the school week where my life gets tonggang terbalik singapore flyer-complicated. haha. i think i've been telling everyone how i already feel the heat of school. the pressure rising. i can feel it. and i am quite stressed out already. i'm scared of many things but i have my family. i never really realised how much my family has to go through this year as a team. i'm glad we stick together, through thick and thin. however, it still saddens me and kinda dampened my spirit about surviving this life. conversations i had with friends and my sisters made me think real hard. far asked me "are you sad?"
how do i answer that? i just feel "immobile" haha. that makes it a yesi guess. but i am a naturally happy person so i dunno. i'm confused. :(
i'm just trying to remind myself that tmr will be a better day.
and i guess when ypu believe in the good things, they come real good. haha.
like for example, the Avenged Sevenfold concert. heheeks!

love,
Sunshine.

p.s i think school should always start at two pm. haiz.

;>

bye-bye atreyu.

i was mad yesterday because i burnt hundreds of dollars for concert tix thinking that i would be meeting atreyu. thank god for my big mouth coz it helped me find out about the cancelled tour. it was very misleading you know that the woman at the sistic counter didnt even 1) know how to spell atreyu 2)inform me of atreyu's cancelled tour 3) she made me buy the fucking tix. hati panas. haha. but only for a moment lah.

15 minutes after the news, i decided to go anyway because As I lay dying and Story of The Year is coming to replace their hours!!!! yay! and all this possiblity of fun is possible thanks to my old man a.k.a life-saver azriyan. still, FUCK YOU ticket-BITCH!

glad that that's over. now moving on to me. hahah. i'm currently lazing around rabbit's place, resting after madrasah. [interval: its very wrong to say fuck you and mention madrasah seh. haha] yesterday was quite ok. us three girls went out for movie and doughnuts and long john silver. if you're thinking of asking me to high school musical, pls dont. its nice but i dun want anymore of that show. back to my story, it was fun like the good old times as always minus the fact that the energy level was toned down by a bit because my sis is pregnant. oh ya, i'm going to be an auntie. haha. we slept at three in the morning i think with loads of waking up in between. i love rabbit's bed. it so comfy and warm and ooh-so-sexy. so spa-style..

actually i mcm banyak2 story to tell but!!!! i'm really sleepy now.

love,
Sunshine.

Missing out.

sometimes i liked it better when everyone was happier and going out just means a good hell of a party. now its just catch-ups, therapy and tell-all sessions.
i'm really bored of my life. somebody just shoot me.
but no, thats boring too.





but you cant have everything in this world

i think.