Samsara

Hey Darlings,
i hope you had a great day today.
Now let's begin with telling you why i decided to start this new
and ditch the old.
HAHA.
yes i'm still talking about my blog.
and pretty much about my life too since my blog has been
about my life.
Its symbolic. [what is?]
everything.
the as to Zs.
i dunno how many times i have to re-start and recreate my life.
but it feels great everytime i try to change for the better.
i feel like i'm taking the initiative to do something.
i dont know.
i guess all my efforts to change might have been perceieved as
ineffective and worthless and just a result of my fickle-mindedness.
I feel so too sometimes.
But i believe that its not true.
I just thought that going through some sort of rebirth every few months [hehe]
have somehow brought me new perspective into my life.I've said restart my life like a thousand times.
and all those thousand times i seemed to have failed.
but with that failure i learnt many things.

Forgiving, forgiveness, forgiven..
they are definitely something i have learnt to be part of.
Sometimes i feel so hurt and angry i want to screw them bitches bad.
But then i just decided not to.
Dunno why at first. But like they always say,
when you look inside yourself, you see answers you seek.

Love.
Hah. Damn bittersweet things. Memories sometimes you wish to scrub off from the super rusty surface of your heart, mind and soul.
Its so affecting. So complicated.
But why do we yearn for it inside our hearts?
I havent perhaps find true love or happy love or whatever love..
for the longest time, i've been alone,
not without friends and family but still alone.
Failed everytime i tried. Almost at the edge of giving up.
But i love alot of things. Life. The people i meet.
And that love for god.
That love give me hope.

Acceptance and growth.
The key thing to a beautiful relationship is not always acceptance.
Or tolerance.
It might be both.
It might be neither.
But looking deep within, that acceptance of yourself.
that is what makes a whole different picture.
Can you live without it?
yes.
but not very well.
There were so many things i've not accepted about myself.
My flaws were my biggest fear.
ot kids or animals.
But my flaws. I was afraid of being afraid.
And apparently that fear of me,
it spreads like wildfire to everybody around me.
I would hate to say i scare boys away.. HAHA.
But i guess it scares the people i tried getting close to.
And i became even more afraid of them deserting me,
they apparently did.
[yes they sucked big time. no matter my faults. don't sympathise them!]
And therefore i fall.
But everytime i fall, i pick myself up.
And i grow.
up.
[say 'fat' and i'll smack you bad]
Growth. Its just too magical for a word.
But i grow up, learning to love myself a bit more everyday,
more patient and resilient, more and more of everything..
And i have to say i have to thank everyone i've met.
Because the growth that i am going through
means the world to me.

To SUm it up...
What's NEw:
--> sociology
--> sleeping pattern
--> (used to be single)
current status: very very very single
--> my own room
--> accepting ariff and putra as part of my family
--> my laptop bag
--> cleaning my room regularly [YES AH!]
--> blog
--> my new year resolutions
--> colour pencils
--> loving myself

What IM DitcHing:--> all ex boyfriends/crushes/ex bestfriends/exes
--> bad habit of trying to impress people
--> low self confidence
--> bad sleeping habits
--> cannot-cry behaviour [I've turned human. AWW. hehe]
--> complicated thoughts [tone down my frowning and imagination]
--> being an asshole towards the opposite sex. [hahaha. so gay]
planet pointed out that i'm lousy with boys.
basically because i make it obvious that i'm ucomfortable with them being within 5m radius of me when i'm awkward.[i dun agree. but i will work on it anyway]
--> ice. i will therefore consume either canned drinks or warm water now.
--> cutting my hair to steal a guy's heart. it never worked. hahhaa. i hate that guy.
--> answering calls that dont matter
--> apologizing for things i didnt do on purpose
--> using vulgarities in rabbit's house. i might be an auntie. and i dun wanna be a bad role model. at all. it includes "project". HAHAHA.
--> mentioning names that is blacklisted.
--> lazy attitude
--> sleeping trouble

Okies. I love myself. But i shall not bore my audience.
anyhoo..

i thought it meaningful to share...
from a movie I've just watched
"I'll pay first"
"your friend has already paid"
"?"
"remember the man you came with the other time,
he said to serve you coffee whenever you came.
he paid me everything he had on him.
you have a few more drinks to go."

a wise old friend asked me on the way home
"what would you do with a 66million dollars?"
hmm. the answer? find someone i can pay coffee for..