A moment of folly, a lifetime of regret..

I never would have thought that i would be forced into submission to compromise my principles of life and morals.
unfortunately it did.
And i'm more upset than i would have expected.
why would your friends make you comply to their rules?
The worst was when i did it without free will or even the slightest sinful pleasure.
I hated it.
When your friends say sorry,
yeah you will forgive them.
But what they dont understand is that i cannot forgive myself.
for putting my trust into people who will betray me,
for doing something that doesnt bring benefit to me in anyway,
for not being more strong,
for not leaving when i could,
for being stupid.

but i learnt alot just overnight.
i just wish for once in my fucking life,
things stop getting so fucking messed up.
and i fucking wish it didnt happen in the first place.
i will erase my embarassment and disappointment of yesterday.
right.

Menghisap sesuatu yang memabukkan itu hukumnya yang haram.
Dan menghisap shisha itu hukumnya makruh,
selagi tidak manghayalkan.

i sometimes forget that anger is not just an adjective to describe your emotions,
it is practically alive,
when dead, you can give it cpr,
and it consumes you like i consume Mega Mac.
i thank god for helping me get back to my senses.

just now i felt like my tears could not wait to get out from the tears ducts,
being suppressed for far too long and too deep.
and it was because of that stupid anger that almost make me forget.

at the same time you sometimes wonder why everything's so difficult.
yeah i know why.
but i mean "WHY?"
i wish that my friend stop waiting for me to take initiative to call or sms everytime.
i wish that my teacher would stop undermining my every duty and my leadership.
i wish my teachers trust me instead of questioning me.
i wish that i can say no to a friend without hurting her feelings.
i wish that when i tell my family of the good news they react the way i want them to, just not like this.
i wish that school starts later then 2pm everyday.
but wishes dun always come true.
still no matter what,
to my primary school-till poly sweetheart,
thanks.
oh and thanks for understanding my phone problem :):)
SHIMI SHIMI SHIMI.

it gets tougher and tougher.
like sometimes i wish the surprise stop popping everyday.

love
Sunshine

Bread and Love

Good Morning.
i am watching the hills as the time ticks by indicating my compulsory need to get to school. urgh. people!!! give me the afternoon classes.
i was having breakfast at five forty,
and it made me realise how much my parents really really loved me.
and my sisters.
and each other.
and i feel so blessed.

thats all.
hahahahaha.

love,
Sunshine

i have splurged more than hundred dollars on books and I'm only half guilty about it.
i regret the loss and celebrate the gain.
pretty much the same way towards my life.
I'm pretty sure after "all THAT" my life's keeping pace and getting straighter.
i want to one day say that my life is now so straight i know its not gay.
or something like that.
what my life is, however, I not necessarily am.
I've been putting on more pounds in a minute than i did during the last great depression. [my darling husband sweetly reminded me of this. hehe.]
i haven't been exercising. [this i blame planet for being absent.]
i have been late alot of times. [i just dun want to wake up, i just dun want to be in school]
but I'm positive that I'm getting better at life, at living.
in a very weird way.
I'm doing my work. i have started to boss people around. [OK maybe this is not work for other people. but bossing around IS my job. nicer term, leading people] i did research for my schoolwork and try to prepare as much as possible for my ppt and such. i have cleaned my bed at the very least. i have started to read again. [its been two months! yeah i know. i just lost it for a moment...]
it starts somewhere.
a great start starts somewhere.
and i am hoping it starts with me.
it started with the fight i had with my most impt girl planet.
it pushed me so far the edge that night i could no longer balance and i decided to take that jump.
i always loved the thrill.
i have decided that what counts now is my own rule.
i'm not going to live a good life just so my nephew or sisters or whoever the fuck would look up to me.
because in the end, the truth is no one really fucking does.
i'm not sour about it, just realistic.
and i have decided that i shall do whatever i want whenever i want.
BUT i'm gonna set my principles and not mess it up.
and its still sticks to
"no drugs, no smoking, no sex, no looking down on someone."
because i have been arrogant.
arrogant.
arrogant.
i'm sick of myself.
that was then and probably.. still is right now.
but i'm giving myself space to grow.

just because i'm naturally evil,
YOU LOUSY FUCKFACE. WISH I DIDN'T MEET YOU!!

love.

Grey-Day Thurs-day

i am in class.
today is a grey day for farah and me and fong.
but tomorrow we'll have fun.
i promise.
:)


and shimi,
the world gets weirder for us.

love,
Sunshine.